I'm Asphyxiated ; The Many Li(v)es of Fear // Part I of II

[suheafoams]

sukai
rated R
romance, angst, drama, au
33300 words

Fear is Joonmyun's twin, denial is his father, and love is a man he never wants to relive his memories of again.







“So why is it you never go to those high school reunions you get so many invitations to?” Kris asks. Joonmyun has just thrown out a stack of the cards into the recycling; his mother always sends them to the office in hopes that he’ll go. “You mentioned you were the class president, too. Doesn’t everyone want to meet you again?”

“I think they’ll be fine without me there,” Joonmyun answers, tapping the stack of papers on the table so they’ll fall into alignment again. There’s times when he gets too talkative in front of other people. “Can you get me a coffee?”

Kris looks appalled at the amount of coffee Joonmyun is consuming rather than offended that Joonmyun is telling him to get one. “That’s your sixth cup and it’s not even past noon yet!”

“I like mine black,” Joonmyun calls over his shoulder as he leaves the lounge.





With Joonmyun’s intense job as a film producer, it’s a miracle the only thing he’s addicted to is coffee. It helps relieve his stress when he has to deal with uncooperative staff members or pull extra hours out of his own time to make an unreasonable deadline.

Today’s the first day of shooting, after months and months of recruiting actors and creating a production team and making yet more adjustments whenever a hole was found in plans. Everything that’s being shot right now is indoors, so Joonmyun gives himself a little more space to relax by leaving the supervision to Kris.

Only five minutes in, and the lead actress has already forgotten her lines. Joonmyun wants to throw something, but resorts to gripping his forearms so he won’t start screaming his head off. So much for taking a rest. He grabs his clipboard and wedges a pencil behind his ear, walking towards the scene to get a closer look at what’s going on.

“I thought you wanted to take a break?” Kris says when he realizes Joonmyun’s standing next to him. “Or could you not handle the thought of me supervising things?”

“You’re a lot more patient than I am, so people don’t feel the same urgency they do when I’m around,” Joonmyun answers, a smile on the corners of his lips. Kris doesn’t know whether that’s a comment or an insult so he remains silent. Joonmyun has always been good with words and manipulating people through whatever verbal methods he can employ. For a man of his stature, he looks completely benign until he opens his mouth.

“Joonmyunnie hyung,” Sehun comes running, his rainbow bangs flying up and exposing his forehead. “We’ve got a problem.”

Those are words that Joonmyun’s heard a million times but never fails to feel irritated at when he hears them again. At first he considers correcting Sehun’s affectionate nickname for him, but it’s too much of a bother since Sehun’s memory is equal to a hamster’s. He decides to just ask, “What is it?”

“The photographer we hired quit for personal reasons.” Sehun taps his index fingers together, biting his lower lip.

“Well what are you doing – aren’t you going to get him back to work?” Joonmyun snaps irritably. Why does everyone have to insist on giving him a headache today?

“W-well that defeats the purpose of him even q-quitting in the first place…” Sehun replies, looking a little scared because Joonmyun’s getting angrier by the second.

Joonmyun throws up his hands in surrender. “Then find a new photographer! And fast!”

“You’re not going to…?” Kris asks. It’s unheard of for Joonmyun to give a task as important as this to someone else.

“I’m done with recruiting. Just find one or two that aren’t shady and easy to work with. There’s enough shit on the list of things I have to do just for this movie to be finished,” Joonmyun says in exasperation, shaking his head.





Although he did say he wouldn’t be in charge of getting a new photographer, Joonmyun heads to another exhibition in Seoul anyways to see if there’s anyone he likes there. It’s one where people dress up fancy and pretend they know what real art is, but Joonmyun thinks it’s all just for show. He would much rather have come in a hoodie and jeans than the collared shirt and dress pants he has on now.

There’s nothing that stands out particularly to him, maybe a few different photographers’ work, but most of them are busy talking to potential clients and Joonmyun doesn’t have to get anything accomplished today anyways. He steps out into the hallway, where he can actually breathe and not be swarmed in a mixture of perfumes that are too fruity and overly applied colognes.

“You’d think my nose would have become immune to it now,” Joonmyun mutters, and rummages through his pockets for any coffee candy. He stores them in nearly every article of clothing he has in case he’s out and about without a cup of coffee on him.

Coffee has a soothing taste and smell and feeling that nothing and nobody else can offer Joonmyun. He’s never been one to talk much about himself because it seems that he’s always solving other people’s disputes, yelling at staff, or trying to convince some actor or some director to work for his team. It makes sense; he simply doesn’t have the time.

In other words, Joonmyun can’t relate to other people. He doesn’t care about many to begin with, except for Kris and Luhan (and maybe Sehun), but even they don’t know what he’s really like on the inside, so it’s accurate to say nobody understands him. Whether he’s in a room filled with people and sociality or his own apartment that’s never warm enough for his sensitive body, he feels the same. Alone.

“You’re a real workaholic if you go around doing tasks that aren’t yours,” a familiar voice muses, and Joonmyun turns to see Kris and Sehun smiling at him.

“I was just here to see the exhibit,” Joonmyun says coolly. “Have you guys talked to anyone yet?”

“A few, but not very promising. They all looked like high class assholes if you ask me –” Sehun doesn’t sound vicious when he badmouths other people. Not the way Joonmyun does even if he tries to tone his ruthless complaints down.

Even so, Kris covers Sehun’s mouth politely. Joonmyun wonders how that kind of thing can be done without coming off as rude, but Kris is the epitome of cordiality and so he is not surprised. Kris says, “What he really means is that we’re still searching. Don’t worry too much, okay?”

“I’m not worried,” Joonmyun responds, though a tiny part of him still is. Sehun and Kris are not the best at perceiving people’s usefulness because they always see the best in someone whereas Joonmyun sees the worst.

The two go off to hunt down more possible candidates for hiring. Joonmyun stays in the same place, sucking on his coffee candy until it is little more than a pebble’s size, and he swallows it soon after.

He leans closer to the wall as he admires an innovative arrangement of photographs. Each one has its own unique subject and composition but contributes to the entire display, which ends up being a silhouette of a person’s side profile. Joonmyun searches around for a name plate, intrigued by the fact that someone could come up with something like this. He finds it at a table several feet away because this entire room is filled with the artist’s work.

His ears start ringing and he wants to hold his head so the sound will stop. But even when his hands are covering his head, it doesn’t. The name plate reads:

Kim Jongin
Age: 26
Photography and Design

Joonmyun thinks he’s going to throw up.





“What do you want to do after high school?” Jongin asked, brushing a dust bunny off of Joonmyun’s hood.

“I want to make movies. But I’ll probably study engineering; it’s what my parents want me to do,” Joonmyun replied, turning pink when Jongin’s breath tickled the back of his neck. “What’s your dream, Jongin?”

“I want to be a photographer. Just take pictures, and put them together to make something meaningful. Or whatever else. You can do a lot with photographs. But that’s a hard job to get by if no one likes your pictures, so maybe I’ll just do it as a hobby?” Jongin smiled and kissed Joonmyun on the forehead.

“You should make it come true. That dream,” Joonmyun said.

“Maybe I will,” Jongin answered. “Maybe I will.”





“This is an absolutely wonderful display!”

Joonmyun turns around. There’s a small group of middle aged spectators gathering at the piece he’d just been looking at, and Joonmyun wonders how expert they consider themselves to be at admiring art. A tall man approaches them. “Thank you,” he bows slightly, looking pleased at the positive feedback.

Lean legs and a well-proportioned torso lead up to a smiling face that Joonmyun has seen too many times to count. The man’s dark eyes are soft, and his hair is permed into a wavy mess that looks good even though it clearly shouldn’t. Joonmyun doesn’t like curls. Never has.

Jongin looks in his direction for a second, and Joonmyun turns around on instinct, quickly exiting the exhibition without looking back. Once he’s outside, he holds onto the stairway for support as he tries to repress the violent urge to vomit everything he’s eaten today.





Joonmyun shows up to work in sunglasses and hood hanging over his face. He considers himself lucky to have the type of job where there is no strict dress code, though that doesn’t stop Kris from commenting on his change of fashion choice.

“You look like hell froze over,” Kris says, looking bright as ever with his fresh haircut and ash golden dye job. Joonmyun wants to grab a fistful and tug. Hard.

“Well god damn can’t a man dress like a slop for once?”

“Oh, someone’s sensitive. Usually you pretend I’m not there or tell me to get you a coffee. Do you want one?” Kris’s tone turns from teasing to full on concern.

“I just had three this morning. I need to slow it down,” Joonmyun says, waving his hand. It’s barely past 8 AM.

“Since when did Joonmyun bother to control his consumption of coffee?” Kris jokes, but he sobers up quickly once he remembers what he was going to ask. “Really, why are you dressed like that today though? You never oversleep, and…did you not sleep well?”

“I slept at 3 AM when I got in bed at 12,” Joonmyun explains, and he doesn’t go farther than that.

“Did you see a horror movie trailer? You should know to switch the channel when you see those things,” Kris looks mildly sympathetic. It’s in these tiny moments when Joonmyun doesn’t feel quite so misunderstood. Kris knows plenty of things about him, like how he’s both a morning and a night person (but not afternoon) and how he doesn’t like intensely flavored food, and also the fact that he’s terrified of horror movies yet can’t bring himself to stop watching if he stumbles upon a trailer. But that’s only the tip of the iceberg, and the worst of Joonmyun is all down under.

He thinks back to Jongin. “Something like that, yeah.”

“Hyung!” Sehun’s voice is much too chipper even from a distance; it leaves Joonmyun feeling more irritated than cheerful. “Are you alright? Yesterday we tried to look for you but you completely disappeared.”

“I went home.”

Sehun’s feathers seem to have been ruffled. “Well you should have told us. We wanted to tell you about the awesome guy we met but you already left.”

“Is he going to come in today?” That’s all Joonmyun really cares about. Getting a schedule rolling in time and with no setbacks. He thinks it’s something he deserves after two years of groveling in the dirt of arrogant superiors and zero recognition for his talents.

“Nah, he’s coming in two weeks. Since he has a lot of clients, he won’t be coming all the time but he has a colleague who’s also going to be working for this movie,” Kris says, taking the opportunity to pull Joonmyun’s sunglasses off his face. He stares blankly (and Sehun gasps) because there are dark circles under Joonmyun’s eyes and there’s rarely a point in life where Joonmyun lets his face get to that point of hopelessness. Sehun takes the sunglasses from Kris and slides them back onto Joonmyun’s face.

“When are we going to start filming?” Joonmyun asks, ignoring his friends’ worried expressions. He’s going to be okay after a few days.

“Daniel called in sick so we’re going to be filming as many scenes that don’t involve him as possible. Shooting starts at 10, we’ll be looking over the edited film today and giving feedback to the crew.” Sehun’s fingers curl onto the hem of his shirt as he watches Joonmyun apprehensively, like he’s waiting for a dormant volcano to suddenly explode.

“Kris, can you get me a coffee?”

“I thought you said –“ Kris is positive Joonmyun just told him he wanted to control himself a little but apparently Joonmyun doesn’t recall saying such a thing.

“Get me a coffee or I’m going to use you to make coffee instead,” Joonmyun grits his teeth, and Kris is scampering towards the lounge in no time.

Joonmyun is silent and smiling by the time Kris arrives with a piping hot, black coffee. Kris feels genuinely creeped out when Joonmyun even says thank you, and Kris excuses himself to go take care of other matters. Sehun’s still here, playing with his lower lip and looking like he has a question on the tip of his tongue.

“Do you have something to say to me?” Joonmyun asks, cup in the process of reaching his mouth.

Sehun sits down across from him. “Hyung.”

“Yes?”

“It’s okay for me to call you hyung right?” Oh, so he’s going to ask that after having called Joonmyun whatever he wanted for the past six months?

“Well, considering the number of times you have called me hyung and the fact that you’re still alive, I think you can answer that question yourself.”

“You seem a little more normal,” Sehun grins. “What made it so hard for you to sleep last night? You don’t look like that unless you watch a full horror movie and I’m 99% positive you wouldn’t do that. The 1% is for the exception that someone’s holding a gun to your head.”

“Your imagination runs a little wild. My insomnia was just worse than usual,” Joonmyun feels uncomfortable with the way Sehun prods for information. Sehun is young and naïve, and thinks pretty much everyone he meets is trustworthy and just as open as him. Joonmyun doesn’t think Sehun has any secrets to keep, and even if he did, he wouldn’t mind sharing them with other people as long as they listened.





Joonmyun has many different lives and personalities, and he’s a little less knotted up when he’s around Baekhyun. They occasionally meet up for dinner, a night of sex, and brief conversations about their lives before they’re back to the daylight hours of conventional routines. Call it two men who happened to become friends after a one night stand. How they met…Joonmyun barely remembers, but it was probably two to three years ago when he first started lurking among the red light districts. Baekhyun was pretty, eyeliner alluring but not over the top, and Joonmyun liked the way his name rolled off of the man’s tongue.

Their relationship is carefully constructed as they aren’t totally dependent on each other. Joonmyun has his other fuck buddies, Baekhyun has his. They don’t get jealous, they don’t fall in love, and if either one of them enters a relationship, they’ll call it quits. Those are the rules, and none of them have been broken so far. At least that’s what Joonmyun thinks.

“Suho, you’ve been looking out of it lately,” Baekhyun says, glancing over to where Joonmyun is scrolling through his phone for emails. He knows that Suho is not Joonmyun’s real name, and it’d taken his persistent personality more than fifty tries to quit asking.

“Is it that obvious?” Joonmyun says good naturedly. “Everyone around me seems to notice but doesn’t ask.”

“Your eyes don’t focus that well and you’ve been getting into small accidents. That’s a sure sign something’s happened,” Baekhyun scoots closer to Joonmyun, who doesn’t recoil from the contact. “Your skin’s so pretty.”

Joonmyun turns his head to see Baekhyun peering at his shoulders rather enthusiastically, and he’s not surprised when he feels teeth sink into the skin. “Thanks, I try to take good care of it.”

“Your back has a lot of scars though. From acne? They look like they’re fading because they were a lot worse when we first met.”

“Yeah, thanks to puberty and raging hormones. And a lot of god damn stress, more than I needed. Does it turn you off?”

Baekhyun shakes his head. “Not particularly. I’m pretty sure no one can be turned off with the way that you moan.”

“You’re a real fuckin’ pervert,” Joonmyun says, then rolls his eyes when Baekhyun retorts that all perverts were made equal and he wouldn’t be here in this room with Baekhyun unless he was a pervert too.

“But honestly, is everything alright?” Baekhyun says, changing the topic (or rather going back to the original one). “You have dark spots under your eyes and you’re losing a lot of weight.”

“Work is difficult.” Joonmyun offers a simple explanation, since he doesn’t find it necessary to talk about a time where he used to be honest and actually communicated his feelings to other people.

“Your work is always difficult,” Baekhyun points out. “What’s new?”

Perhaps this is why he and Baekhyun have been able to retain an amicable relationship. Baekhyun is sharp when he wants to be, and Joonmyun doesn’t mind letting go in front of someone who has no interest in being part of his daily life. Joonmyun pulls Baekhyun towards him so they can kiss.

“Overly affectionate today, too. You’re just weird in all sorts of ways,” Baekhyun smirks. It is a lopsided smirk that Joonmyun thinks Baekhyun shouldn’t use, but he says nothing about it.

“…I saw the first guy I loved after eight years of not seeing him,” Joonmyun says, and he can already feel the familiar vile sensation creeping along the back of his throat and threatening to make it close up. Why is it that just the thought of Kim Jongin makes him lose his appetite for anything and everything?

Baekhyun doesn’t seem to quite understand. “Shouldn’t that be a good thing? It’s always nice to meet your first love.”

“We broke up badly. He didn’t see me, and I didn’t talk to him. He is,” Joonmyun has to take a deep breath or else he’s going to choke on his spit from talking too fast, “the only stain in my life.”

“More like the only guy you ever loved, when you talk about him like that. Why don’t you want to meet him?”

Joonmyun pauses. “I don’t want him to become part of my life again. That means feelings and that means people finding out the reason why I don’t date girls.”

“Well shit,” Baekhyun rolls over so he’s lying on his back. “He probably won’t. I mean, I think it’s fine that you chose not to talk to him, that’s the safe way. But even if you guys get a chance to talk again, you should remember that people change and he probably no longer cares about you. Time is a nice savior for us all.”

He sits up and starts to massage Joonmyun’s shoulders. “You’re always stiff, you should change your bad posture.”

Joonmyun merely grunts in something that could pass for compliance or dissent, Baekhyun can’t tell the difference. “You sound like you’ve had experience.”

“With what – posture? Or massaging?”

“No, I mean…time heals everything and whatever. Is that true?”

Without looking, Joonmyun can still guess that Baekhyun is shrugging. “More or less. Time has the power to make things fade, like pain but also passion. It’s a double edged sword, I would say.”

Joonmyun hums. If time is the solution to his problems, why does he still feel terrified at the possibility of seeing Jongin again?





“Hey, you finished your noodles this time!” Luhan says, getting much too up and close in Joonmyun’s personal bubble. He and Luhan attended the same university together, but didn’t meet until Luhan’s graduating year. Luhan’s a part timer at a family restaurant nearby Joonmyun’s workplace, so Joonmyun insists that he only comes to get a cheap dinner, not because he wants to see the bubblegum haired man. Luhan never gets offended by Joonmyun’s words and only laughs like a maniac at everything else he says.

“You don’t have to look that happy,” Joonmyun says sourly, spooning what’s left of the broth. “And it was still a little salty.”

“How do you live with your taste buds?” Luhan scrunches his nose. “I tried a bit of the noodles to see if I added too much salt, but it was already too bland for my taste.”

“I lose my appetite with outside food,” Joonmyun says, taking out a crisp five dollar bill to hand to Luhan.

Luhan shakes his head because god, even Joonmyun’s money is perfect, corners flat and unfolded. After putting it away, he gives Joonmyun a receipt and says, “You lose your appetite with a lot of things, like work and salty noodles. Have you been eating better lately?”

“I eat my veggies. And fruit.”

“What about meat?”

“I eat fish.”

“Your fixation on fish is a little scary,” Luhan laughs. “Not even beef can topple your love for seafood.”

“I’ll be going,” Joonmyun nods curtly before he’s walking out the door.

“It’s a shame he never lets those walls of his down,” Luhan mutters, clearing the tray of dishes from where Joonmyun was sitting. “It’d help him and everyone a lot more.”





“The photographer’s in today. Don’t you want to go and greet him?” Sehun’s head appears in the doorway while Joonmyun’s trying to enjoy his cup of coffee.

“Didn’t I greet him already?” Joonmyun recalls shaking the hand of someone called Kyungsoo, who had a side shave and striking red hair. Not his cup of tea, but attractive and more importantly, well mannered enough to work with.

“No, the one we originally hired. He says he wants to meet you personally.”

Joonmyun lets a sort of cynical laugh escape his lips. “Ha ha, aren’t I a celebrity?”

Sehun snorts, and ushers Joonmyun out into the hallway.

Joonmyun freezes. He’s face to face with a man he’s nearly recovered from seeing after two weeks, and Jongin’s surprise is visible as well, though he doesn’t look quite as unhappy as Joonmyun.

Noticing the awkward pause, Sehun asks, “…Do you guys know each other?”

Before Jongin can answer, Joonmyun shakes his head and says quickly, “No. I just thought he looked familiar. But I don’t think we’ve met.”

There’s anger in Jongin’s eyes. Joonmyun tries his best to ignore it and looks at Sehun instead.

Sehun does the standard introduction exchange. “Hyung, this is Kim Jongin. Jongin-ssi, this is my hyung, Joonmyunnie. He’s the executive producer for this film!”

“Nice to meet you, Joonmyun-ssi,” Jongin says, holding out his hand, and Joonmyun’s lips turn downward at the honorific. He bites his tongue to prevent himself from saying something repulsive and shakes Jongin’s hand lightly before pulling back. Jongin’s hand is still warm, and slightly rough, just like it had been in high school.

“Nice to meet you, too.” Joonmyun stretches his fingers out as he finds some excuse to walk over to Kris and talk.

Sehun is embarrassed because it’s not the first time Joonmyun has left him to end formal conversations on his own. “Joonmyunnie hyung is really cranky, and mean, and everyone’s scared of him. Even so, I hope you’ll bear with his behavior. Although it’s hard to tell, he really is a very hardworking and kindhearted person.”

Jongin glances in the direction of Joonmyun. “Is that so? I’ll keep that in mind.”





Luhan is dismayed when Joonmyun tells him he’s lost the two kilograms he gained back last week. “But you were eating so well.”

Joonmyun pretends Luhan’s disappointed expression doesn’t faze him, and says, “Not anymore. Can you give me a smaller portion?”

“You’re so demanding for a customer,” Luhan mutters, but he brings the tray back to the kitchen to adjust the meal to Joonmyun’s liking. He comes back and breaks Joonmyun’s chopsticks for him, rubbing them together so the wood splinters get worn off. “Here.”

“Thanks,” Joonmyun takes the chopsticks from him, and starts stirring the noodles so all the other vegetables and chunks of chicken can mix with the soup.

“You have to finish at least this, okay? I don’t want to see anything left over,” Luhan commands, pointing a finger, and Joonmyun nods.

“Can I order?” a girl asks rather impatiently, and Luhan gasps. He’d totally forgotten about the customer he put on hold because he was too busy hovering over Joonmyun.

“Right, I’m sorry, what can I get you today?” he asks, taking out his notepad and pen. Joonmyun chuckles even as he slurps his noodles.





Joonmyun runs into Jongin when he heads back to the company after completely finishing his dinner (it took forever) and pleasing Luhan to no end. Jongin reeks of smoke, and guessing from the direction he’s coming from, he’s just been in the smoking room.

“Good evening,” Jongin nods his head; Joonmyun does the same.

Every part of Joonmyun seems to shake and his heart drops to the bottom of his stomach.

Even in the office, he can’t concentrate on watching the clips. He’s too overwhelmed with the sudden reappearance of Jongin in his life, and spent most of the day in denial until Jongin’s greeting hit him like a train all over again. During his fit of aggravation, he slams a few of the drawers and doors in the room while screaming at the top of his lungs.

He feels safer venting his frustration at times like this because everyone’s out for dinner or went home (no one is as much of a workaholic as Joonmyun) and he’s alone in this big empty space where only he can hear his own screams.

He screams until his throat hurts and his ears are ringing, and he sits back on the chair, staring at the black of the computer screen.

Jongin is standing outside the door, arms crossed and biting his lips in contemplation.





Jongin and his friend Kyungsoo are an extremely popular pair among the rest of the staff, not to mention they’re also skilled at their jobs and never waste any time. Joonmyun scowls just at the thought of having to admit that to himself.

He doesn’t like the smile that can’t seem to be wiped off of Jongin’s face whenever he’s next to Kyungsoo, and how friendly the two men are with each other. Bad, evil thoughts constantly slam into the lid of the box where Joonmyun keeps all his secrets and emotions locked in, hoping to break through. He doesn’t let them.

“Thanks for working so hard,” Joonmyun puts on his business smile for the two photographers after the director calls for a lunch break, handing them each bottled water.

“Thank you very much, you too,” Kyungsoo takes both bottles and gives one to Jongin, who’s staring at Joonmyun with a weary look.

Joonmyun retreats to the lounge. There’s a coffee on the table, signed by Kris’s chicken scratch handwriting for verification. The post-it next to the mug says:

Let’s talk in the office. Just you and me, okay?

Joonmyun peels the sticky note off the table, folds it into a neat square, and tosses it in the recycling bin. He brings the coffee with him as he boards the stairs, making sure not to move around too violently so the contents won’t slosh out.

He knocks on the door before going in. “What did you want to talk about?” Joonmyun asks, tentative. He remembers his tantrum a few days ago, and wonders if something of Kris’s broke.

Kris looks nothing but concerned. “Do you have anything you need to tell me?”

“…No.” This is dangerous territory. Has Kris found out something about Joonmyun he shouldn’t have?

“Do you and Jongin…know each other?”

A pit drops to somewhere in the bottom of Joonmyun’s stomach, and suddenly, the ticking of the clock gets louder in Joonmyun’s ears, as does the sound of his heartbeat. Badump, badump, badump. “Why are you asking?”

“I don’t know. It’s just that he’s come only for a few days and he’s already noticing things about you I’ve never thought about,” Kris replies. “He asked me if you had anger issues. Do you?”

Joonmyun’s not sure if he can breathe a sigh of relief just yet. “Maybe he’s never had a superior who gets angry as easily as me. He’ll get used to it after a while.”

“That’s not the answer to my question.”

Kris’s eyes are steady on him. The type of gaze Joonmyun finds himself hating more than anything else, because it means full attention and more than enough chances for him to feel exposed.

“No,” Joonmyun says promptly. “I don’t.” But he has a lot of stress, and anxiety that results from that stress, and then anger that falls on top of it all. Joonmyun is a whole load of problems, and even if he made an attempt to explain his life to Kris, he wouldn’t know where to start.

“After knowing you this many years, I still feel like we’re strangers sometimes,” Kris says. “I know some of your habits, but I don’t know anything about your personal life. Whether you’re dating someone, how your family’s doing, what you’re feeling half the time. It wouldn’t hurt to tell me about these kind of things, Joonmyun.”

He looks like it’s his fault he doesn’t know Joonmyun better, and Joonmyun wants to reach out and pat his shoulder because no one should ever blame themselves for not knowing him well enough. Not when he’s the one that declines invitations to most get togethers, avoids revealing (or outright lies about) his whereabouts, and ends a conversation if it’s on the verge of making him feel too much. Like now. Right now is a good example.

“If that’s all you had to say, I’ll be leaving.” He should have left the coffee in the lounge.

He sits on the first step of the stairs, takes a sip of coffee and winces; it’s lukewarm.





Somehow, Joonmyun manages to put himself back together. He feels a lot more at ease on Tuesdays and Thursdays since those are the days that Jongin doesn’t come to work. Kyungsoo comes every day, unfortunately.

Kyungsoo glares at Joonmyun like he’s done terrible things even though it’s apparent they haven’t met before this project. Maybe they took the same train or happened to be eating at the same restaurant…but Joonmyun doesn’t do things to offend anyone in public. The only grudges he thinks are held over him are the ones where he yells at staff or actors in front of the rest of the production crew. He’s never done that to Kyungsoo. Not yet, at least.

Joonmyun feels distressed when people look as if they know him a lot better than they should. It’s worse than being stripped naked and bare, because even then he would still have his thoughts kept private and to himself. Kyungsoo looks at him as if his secrets are pasted across his forehead and emotions written all over his skin in ink.

Baekhyun is a comfort to him tonight (and a distraction from the disturbing behavior of Kyungsoo), since their schedules have been clashing lately and Joonmyun desperately misses the warmth of someone holding him.

In between nose nuzzling, Baekhyun asks, “Anything new?” His hand threads through Joonmyun’s hair gently.

“Let’s just stay like this for a while. Is that okay?” Joonmyun says, avoiding answering the question. It’d be a lot easier to tell someone just how choked and wrung out he feels on the inside (the words are ready on his tongue anyways) but he knows it’s better for him in the long run to keep his life clean cut, each part to its own.

“Yeah, it’s fine,” Baekhyun agrees, sensing Joonmyun’s anxious tone. “We can talk about it later if you want. Or never, for that matter.”

Joonmyun’s kisses start becoming too eager for him to keep on talking. Baekhyun pulls away and starts nibbling on the other man’s neck. “Should I leave a hickey?” he asks, and grins wolfishly as Joonmyun growls in protest.

“I will cut off your ball sack if you do,” Joonmyun’s voice comes out husky, so he doesn’t sound very convincing.

“Well then your favorite sex friend would be unable to have sexy times with you,” Baekhyun sticks out his tongue, and Joonmyun takes it as an invitation for another round of kisses.





“You’re still here,” Baekhyun says incredulously as Joonmyun gets up to put on the change of clothes he’d brought yesterday. Usually Joonmyun leaves right after lulling him into sleep, no matter how late at night (or early in the morning) it is.

“Is that a problem?” Joonmyun asks, pausing in the middle of buttoning his shirt, and Baekhyun shakes his head with a sigh.

“You’d make a nice boyfriend, you know.”

Joonmyun is stuck between telling him not to say stuff like that and asking why. He chooses the latter, because he’s genuinely curious. “What makes you think that?”

“Just a hunch. You’re handsome, funny, not a dick even for someone who creeps around at night to look for bedmates.”

Joonmyun laughs at the last part. “I’ll take that as a compliment, thanks.”

“Also, your name is guardian angel, and I believe you would live up to it,” Baekhyun makes a thumbs up at Joonmyun, making him laugh again.

Joonmyun gathers his things and shoves them inside his duffel bag. “Bye Baekhyun.”

“Do you…” Joonmyun stops at the door, still holding onto his cell phone and wallet.

“What is it?” he asks. Turning around, he watches Baekhyun try to reword his question because the sight of him smiling at Joonmyun is like a shining light in the midst of Joonmyun’s chaotic life. If his life was a little less complicated, maybe they’d be lovers. Maybe they would go on dates in broad daylight where people might notice them, like a trip to the amusement park or movies. Joonmyun would have someone to kiss every evening and every morning, someone that massaged the worry out of his shoulders and sucked the sadness out of his soul. But Joonmyun’s life is complicated, and he and Baekhyun don’t love each other.

“It’s nothing. Be safe,” Baekhyun finally says, giving a tiny wave. He has beautiful hands. Always has.

Joonmyun shrugs and leaves, but he feels like he’s missed something important.





“Cut, cut, cut,” Joonmyun hears from across the field. It’s the film director, Siwon, who’s shaking his head faster than anyone else he’s ever met. “That wasn’t quite the emotion I was looking for. It’s a little too much.”

The lead actress’s performance is a lot better these days. She doesn’t forget her lines as often and she’s always been patient to start with, so Kris and the others don’t have a hard time with her when giving her feedback.

A gust of wind blows through, making Joonmyun rub at his arms regretfully. He should have brought a jacket.

“Cold?” Jongin asks, and points at himself. “I have two, so you can wear one of them if you’d like.”

Joonmyun stares at the fleece. It’s a tempting offer, but he doesn’t want to say yes.

Jongin doesn’t really give him a chance to answer because he takes off his jacket and starts putting it on for Joonmyun. When Joonmyun finally reacts, he lightly pushes Jongin’s hands away, tucking his arms into the sleeves himself. The zipper gets stuck though, and then Jongin’s hands are on him again to zip it up all the way to Joonmyun’s neck, which Joonmyun thinks looks absolutely silly.

As if he sees through Joonmyun’s displeased expression, Jongin says, “No time to worry about looking stupid when you’re cold.” He smiles, and Joonmyun’s cheeks feel like they’re on fire.

When Jongin runs off with his camera and is just a speck in the distance, Joonmyun pulls on the hood and sniffs at it along with the sleeves. Jongin’s scent is either very mild cologne or laundry detergent, but whatever it is, it’s also mixed with the smell of heavy cigarette smoke. He smiles to himself secretively.

Joonmyun returns the jacket hours later, after filming has been completed and clean up of the set has finished. He’s in the middle of smelling the hood again when Jongin walks in and asks coolly, “Joonmyun-ssi?”

He freezes and then drops the hood. Once he notices where Jongin’s gaze is directed towards, he quickly takes off the jacket and folds it into a square before handing it back to Jongin.

“You’re still compulsive about having everything being neat,” Jongin says, tucking the jacket under his arm.

Joonmyun gets up abruptly, and the chair he’s sitting on makes a loud scraping noise across the floor as he heads towards the door. Jongin’s voice is what stops him. “Why do you keep doing this?”

“What?”

Jongin’s eyes are indignant. “Avoiding me. You keep…aren’t we going to talk about the past?” He even drops the formal tone to his voice.

It is hard for Joonmyun to breathe, because the past is not something he’d like revisit. Ever. Jongin is a part of that past he’d like to take and stomp down into nothing more than torn bits of paper to throw away, but Jongin is standing here, asking him if they’re going to talk about it. The box in Joonmyun rattles angrily, the contents inside of it trying to break free from their prison.

“Like…” Jongin swallows. Joonmyun can see his Adam’s apple bob up and down. “Why you broke up with me. You never explained anything and just took off to college. Why you’ve changed so much. You up and changed into a totally different person. A stranger.”

The urge of throwing up is back. Joonmyun tells himself that he’s in control on a regular basis, but Jongin’s presence is a clear indicator that he’s not. He’s spent the last eight years hammering, hiding, biting down on memories that he doesn’t want revived, and Jongin merely showing up at his workplace is enough to shatter his composure. He’s so far from being okay, and he’s a lot closer to being out of control than in.

“No, let’s not talk about it,” Joonmyun says, shakily, backing away as Jongin reaches for his arm.

“Are you really going to be like this?”

“I am a stranger to you. Just think of it that way,” Joonmyun says, and he realizes his legs are trembling. He’s spent so much time and effort building a sea wall that folds in at the slightest push from salty waves. Jongin turns his stone barriers to paper with only a touch. “Don’t come closer!”

Jongin’s footsteps cease. “I deserve to know. It’s only fair.”

“Life isn’t fair, and just because you deserve something doesn’t always mean you get it,” Joonmyun replies, bitterness starting to grow in his lips and spreading across his mouth, leaving his tongue with a metallic taste. It’s an emotion he doesn’t usually reveal, amongst jealousy and other petty thoughts.

Jongin looks angry, and Joonmyun feels a surge of satisfaction well up inside his chest. Unlike Jongin, he’s used to injustices being thrown in his face left and right and having to accept them, so it’s only fair that Jongin gets a taste of what it’s like to be him. It’s only fair.

“You know, Sehun said you were a hardworking and good person. He compliments you all the time, yet I don’t see what he sees in you at all,” Jongin says, fingers curling around Joonmyun’s wrist.

What makes Joonmyun even more irritated than Jongin touching him is the fact that Jongin is touching him carefully, as if he cares whether Joonmyun’s hurt or not, as though Joonmyun’s a doll that can break at even the softest touch. He shakes Jongin off. “There’s a lot of things you won’t ever see in me, Jongin, because I won’t let you.”

Joonmyun is soon met with a rush of cold air as he storms out the main entrance of the building. His eyes start to burn, but he forces the feeling of wanting to cry back down and thinks about other things. But everything makes him want to scream and shout at the world for putting the odds against him, because he’s just one person and one person can only hold out by themselves for so long.

The looks on his parents’ faces when they realized their son was not the son they had hoped to raise, the sharp taunts and whispered remarks fellow students made when they’d found out Joonmyun was more than just the smooth class president of their grade, and the pure look of disappointment and heartbreak Jongin had given him when they broke up. No one had bothered to ask him if he was okay. Everyone assumed Kim Joonmyun was a stone pillar that would never fall, no matter how many sticks and stones you threw at him. But they were wrong. Joonmyun remembers all of his worst memories no matter how tightly he keeps them twisted up and stored in a dark corner of his heart. He’s tormented by them every day.





Jongin comes home later than usual that night, and Kyungsoo’s splayed out on the couch, having fallen asleep while reading a novel. The pages have somehow flattened and folded in the wrong places across his chest. Jongin takes the book and puts a place marker in it, then sets it on the coffee table so the spine won’t be damaged. “You’re back?” Kyungsoo rubs his eyes, scratching his stomach. “There’s dinner on the table.”

“I’m not hungry.”

“Kim Jongin, eat your proper meals or I will beat your ass.”

“You can’t even beat me in an arm wrestling match –” Jongin doesn’t get to finish his sentence and squeals as Kyungsoo leaps off of the couch. “No but really, I don’t have any appetite.”

“Did you get to talk to the asshole?” Kyungsoo asks, pushing Jongin in the direction of the kitchen so he can clean up the leftovers and put them in the fridge.

Jongin whips around. “Don’t call him that!”

“But both you and I, and a whole lot of other people can probably agree that he is a pretty big douchebag,” Kyungsoo argues, leaving Jongin unable to say anything back. “You’re in denial. That guy sounds nothing like the guy you dated in high school. Time has finally unleashed his true personality onto the rest of the world.”

“…He shakes.”

“What does that have to do with anything?”

Jongin rubs at his neck. “I grabbed onto his arm while we were talking, and he was shaking. He hasn’t changed, Kyungsoo. He used to tremble exactly the same way whenever he was disturbed back then. Even if he doesn’t want me anymore, I’ll still get him to talk to me. I’ll find out what went wrong all those years before.”

“Still sounds like a dickhead to me. What kind of a boyfriend just dumps you and then never talks to you again during or after college? It’s like he wanted to erase you from his life.”

“Don’t say that!” Jongin slams the plastic container on the table. “You know how much I’ve wanted to see him all this time. Don’t say shit like that.”

Kyungsoo puts his hands up defensively. “It’s called being realistic. Did you know you were going to work for this guy’s film?”

Jongin nods. “It’s partially the reason I agreed to work for them. I heard Sehun mention his name, and then I asked for his profile, and it was him. It really was him.”

“Do you know? That guy never shows a real smile, or laughs,” Kyungsoo says, sounding puzzled. “The only smiles he bothers to put on his face are the ones he uses for group meetings and when he’s persuading the actors to redo a scene, and even those aren’t genuine. His smile is faker than my third aunt’s boobs, okay?”

Ignoring the comment about Kyungsoo’s distant relative, Jongin says, “If he’s really smiling, it’s not that obvious. His mouth is small, so you don’t really notice if anything changes with his lips until his eyes get smaller, into this crescent shape. You know?”

“You are a professional stalker, aren’t you?”

Jongin laughs. “Only for two years. Then I quit.”





When Jongin comes out from his bedroom later to dump out his ashtray, Kyungsoo nags. He’s been nagging for years but it’s not like Jongin ever listens. “I told you to stop smoking. You already know how toxic that stuff is for your health, we all learned about it in biology when we were forced to take it in high school.”

“It’s not like I can help it. It relieves stress,” Jongin likes the no-see, no-hear, no-speak policy best. He can successfully distract himself whenever he’s under huge pressure, while deftly ignoring the fact that his lungs are probably turning black and suffocating to death.

“There’s electronic ones, or lollipops. Toothpicks. God damn it, Jongin! I don’t want you to be in the hospital thirty years earlier than you should be,” Kyungsoo chucks a pillow at Jongin and he watches his friend dodge it with little effort.

Jongin knows Kyungsoo cares, and he wants to quit too, but it’s hard when smoking is a habit he can’t break even though it’s hurting him. A cigarette is the first thing he wants to get his hands on after work, more than anything else. He craves the act, the stench, it’s impossible to explain. He decides to settle for a compromise. “I’ll quit when I climb over this mountain and get Joonmyun to talk to me again. I promise.”

Kyungsoo is skeptical, but he gives Jongin the benefit of the doubt. “I’m counting on you, Kim Jongin.”





For once, Joonmyun won’t be lying if he says he’s visiting his parents. Cause he is. He’s visiting them to make the family dinner a complete one.

His father looks tired, even more tired than the last time Joonmyun saw him, with a few sections of hair that have turned from a silky black into a greying white. Cheekbones sunken and wrinkles as apparent as ever, the only thing that remains the same about the old man is his proud stature.

“How is your movie going? When it’s going to be finished?”

“It will be completed within a year, I think,” Joonmyun says. The steak on his plate looks bigger than the entire portion of food Luhan gives him in a meal. He stabs at it unconvincingly, earning a disapproving noise from his mother.

His mother’s aged, too. Even if she puts on makeup and claims that it does wonders with her skin, Joonmyun isn’t blind. He can see the worry etched throughout her forehead as she watches him eat and talk, and tries to analyze everything Joonmyun says beyond point of recognition. Her arms quiver when she leans over to serve food to Joonmyun’s brother and his wife, and she makes an expression every few minutes that Joonmyun knows is the sign of an unrelenting headache. Joonmyun thinks twice about details other people are too preoccupied to even notice.

“Are you dating anyone?” Joonmyun’s mother asks. Of course she would ask. He’s surprised she doesn’t call him every day to ask him that when it’s all she cares about.

“…No, I’ve been too busy with work,” Joonmyun responds, chewing his bite of steak rather reluctantly. He’d rather have fish, or the meatballs covered in sweet rice that Kris makes for him sometimes. Anything but expensive meat that doesn’t taste good to begin with.

“I’m sure you can find some time in your busy schedule to meet a girl,” she prods, gently. “I’d like to see more grandchildren soon.”

Joonmyun stares at his nephew sitting across from him in a high chair. The infant stares at him innocently, eyes already large and bright, just like his father. Joonmyun’s never going to have a child to bring home to his mother no matter how long she waits for him to.

“It takes a long time to meet someone amazing you want to spend the rest of your life with. Consider Joonkyung one of the luckier ones,” Joonmyun directs a radiant smile at his brother and sister-in-law. This is another part of him, the cheerful, praising, bubbly Joonmyun that appears whenever he needs to persuade his family that everything is fine. He is normal. A normal man who likes women and just hasn’t met one that he wants to marry yet.

It’s a bunch of bullshit, but his family drinks his honey covered lies like they haven’t seen water in ages.





When his parents heard the “truth” during Joonmyun’s senior year in high school, they didn’t react like Joonmyun thought they would.

Understanding. Accepting. Supportive. They’d been none of these things, far from it. Instead, they were ruthless in cracking down the so called discipline they thought would turn him back into the Joonmyun they knew, they wanted. “Are you insane?” Joonmyun’s father asked. “Gay? I didn’t spend money to feed you and clothe you and get you through school just to have you become gay all of a sudden, Joonmyun. Don’t joke around.”

Joonmyun was stunned. “But I’m not joking…”

The look on his father’s face felt like ice that had been sitting on his skin for too long and started to burn. Turning towards his mother, Joonmyun saw no inkling of compassion there either, only a pale face with round black eyes staring at him in disbelief. He had made a grave mistake.

“Joonmyun-ah, you’re not gay. You can’t be gay. Our child that we raised…won’t grow up to be like that, right?” she asked. She sounded hollow, and her voice was haunting, as if she was a toy that had been wound up too many times to stop playing its music.

His silence made them realize that he wasn’t playing around, and Joonmyun’s mother was the first to react, breaking down into tears as she covered her face with her hands. Her back was stooped, curved so harshly because she was crying into her knees, and Joonmyun thought to himself that he should have touched it one last time when he had the chance, before he went and ruined everything.

His father remained unmoving in the armchair, hands turned white from gripping the handles so hard. “Are you dating anyone?” he asked. It was a slow and cautious question that Joonmyun dared not answer truthfully.

“No,” he said, even as Jongin came to mind.

“Then there isn’t a problem, is there? You’re just confused since you don’t meet a lot of girls in your school. It’s a phase.”

The last word hit Joonmyun like a blow to his stomach, a blunt accusation of his supposed foolishness, and his entire body shook with anger. “It’s not a phase!”

“In this house it is,” his father replied. “If you keep insisting on being like this, I’ll disown you and cut off your college expenses.”

Joonmyun wanted to take a bar and break everything in this house. This household that he’d grown up in since childhood and always called “home” was no longer the place for someone like him.

There was a brief moment when Joonmyun thought back to the time he was in sixth grade and had come home to his mother making his favorite bean cake. “Here, I just finished!” she said, cutting off a piece and stuffing it into Joonmyun’s open mouth, smiling after Joonmyun chewed diligently and told her it tasted delicious.

“Joonmyun, don’t do this to us.” Joonmyun was pulled back into the present as his mother stopped crying enough to speak a few words. “All I ever wanted for you was to get married, get a nice job, and have children. Live a normal life.”

He stayed silent, and watched his mother cry a little longer before returning to his bedroom.

Joonmyun shut himself in after that. He followed all of his parents’ wishes except for one; he decided to study in a film program instead of engineering. It’d be weird if he even followed that hope of theirs, he’d been fighting and fighting for permission for years and suddenly giving that dream up would have made them suspicious.

He felt empty inside, like a house that’d been abandoned for years but still kept pretty on the outside, with a mowed lawn and trimmed rosebushes. A corpse that could still walk around, and talk, and pretend it was breathing.

The night before his first day of college, his father had come in his room, saying, “Joonmyun-ah.”

It was supposed to sound affectionate, but Joonmyun was tempted to turn the volume in his earphones higher. He didn’t, and turned around to face his father. “What is it?”

“Do you still think you’re gay?”

“No,” Joonmyun said, and smiled sweetly. “I guess it was just a phase after all.”

The proud smile on his father’s face made Joonmyun want to break things again.





Joonmyun expected to be a little more happy in college, but alas, he felt the same. The people were the same, the suffocating pressure to be like everyone else (but better at the same time) was the same, and his parents called him often, wondering what he was doing and where. Joonmyun made friends, but it wasn’t the same as Jongin. Nothing could replace the warmth or kindness of Jongin.

He thought he could get used to this, until a vicious rumor of him liking boys spread like wildfire through the dorms of both boys and girls. Information never travelled this fast, and suddenly Joonmyun felt like he was in high school all over again. But unlike high school, this rumor had a weak base, if any, and only a persistent flame that took an eternity to be extinguished.

It wasn’t long before Joonmyun’s newly made friends isolated him from their friend groups, claiming that it was a coincidence when Joonmyun asked why all of them were busy all the time. Joonmyun hadn’t asked out of genuine curiosity; he knew what was going on because he’d experienced it before, and he had simply called to hear the voices on the other lines hesitate and shake in uneasiness. This was probably the beginning of a Joonmyun who liked to bring out others’ weaknesses, exploit them and then throw them back when he was tired of playing and wreaking havoc.

By the time Joonmyun and Luhan met, the rumors had died down and even if they hadn’t, Luhan wouldn’t have known since he lived in an apartment near the university and not inside the college dorms.

Luhan was one of the volunteers sitting out in the library when Joonmyun came to a tutoring session for his Calculus class. “Hi, I’m here to look for a tutor, if there are any available?”

“You’re in the right place, buddy!” the brunette spread his arms out. “I’m Luhan. What’s your name and what do you need help with?”

“I’m Joonmyun. Uh, calculus,” Joonmyun responded, and Luhan started flipping through papers that were stapled together at the corner.

“Well, there’s not that many open calculus tutors except for me, so I guess I’ll be helping you out then. You okay with that?” Luhan asked, taking the pen behind his ear and clicking it open.

Joonmyun hadn’t seen someone smile at him so unreservedly in a long time, and he smiled back. “Yeah. That’s okay.”





“It would be a lot better if there was a close up of her eyes in this shot, and then his. And then a pull away, an angle from a distance,” Siwon raises an eyebrow. “What do you think, Joonmyun?”

“How about hands? Or feet? Those don’t show up on the screen often, but they’re a clear indicator of what’s going on,” Joonmyun suggests, taking a look at the editted video Siwon’s skimming through.

“And what about this part? Anything to add, you think?”

“I don’t think there’s enough impact at this moment,” Joonmyun says, pausing the video. “Here? When the two actors kiss. Everything about it is awkward, from the pose to the angle. Re-do this section.” He definitely doesn’t remember watching this scene being filmed. He was probably sneaking in an extra coffee in the lounge when no one had the energy to chastise him for drinking so much of it.

“Okay. Okay,” Siwon agrees. “I wonder why no one pointed that out. You have such a good eye.” Joonmyun denies it, says that it’s only the basics before Jongin comes up behind him and interrupts.

“Joonmyun-ssi always has a good eye,” Jongin says, smiling at Joonmyun innocently. He tacks on the honorific only in front of other people, and Joonmyun never knows whether he is unnerved or annoyed by this action. Most likely both.

He sidesteps away from Jongin, who gives him an (obviously) pseudo-clueless look and steps towards him so that they’re the same distance apart again. Joonmyun’s going to lose his sanity.

Jongin is cool, controlled, a nice guy. He’s everything Joonmyun fakes out to be, only real. And he’s a lot of things Joonmyun doesn’t come close to being. Like having patience with no ulterior motives. Jongin waits for Joonmyun after work or before dinner just to have what he proposes is a conversation, smiling and asking yet more questions when Joonmyun ignores the previous ones. Joonmyun wouldn’t be surprised if Jongin had a list of questions he memorizes just to torture him.

Spewing out an excuse about having to organize papers, Joonmyun manages to get away from Jongin (because Siwon wants Jongin to look over the composition of the shots too), and enters the lounge, where Sehun is talking to the makeup artists and stylists.

“Jongin must really love you,” Sehun makes a melodramatic sigh like a teenage girl after finishing his talk with the staff. “For you to never be around the lounge drinking your hardcore coffee anymore.”

Jongin spends so much time trying to get Joonmyun’s attention that everyone around them notices (and sometimes suffers as a result). Kris and Sehun nearly have no time to talk to Joonmyun during breaks since Jongin carts him off to different places, like to get the mail or look over the photos he took.

“He makes me bring it with me,” Joonmyun explains, scribbling loudly across the sheet that holds the filming schedule for today. Miraculously they’re not behind it, and Joonmyun has never felt this confident about any project he’s been a contributor to, let alone in charge of. “But no. He’s just bored.”

“The way he looks at you…”

Joonmyun pauses. “What about it?” He can’t panic. He won’t panic. Just blow it off, Joonmyun, let it pass.

“He looks at you differently than he looks at Kyungsoo, or any of us. I can’t tell what it is about him, but when he joined, it felt like he belonged here, you know? That doesn’t typically happen with the people we hire,” Sehun says, popping his gum. “You should join us for dinner together more often, Joonmyunnie hyung. Kris makes some really delicious food.”

Joonmyun told himself he wouldn’t panic, but the fear weighing down on his shoulders seems to have lifted again. Sehun doesn’t know anything; he’s perceptive, but still young and off the bull’s eye at times. He won’t figure it out as long as Joonmyun keeps his mouth shut.

“There’s always too many people at his place,” Joonmyun grumbles, “I’d rather eat by myself.” He doesn’t see the fun in eating with a bunch of people whose conversation he has no interest in holding.

“The more people, the merrier!” is Sehun’s logic, and Joonmyun shrugs when the younger boy suggests for them to have dinner together today.

He says, in the process of deciding whether to agree or decline going, “I still need to review the film.”

“Oh yes, because reviewing the film is totally more urgent than a dinner with your coworkers slash friends, while going to get the mail with Jongin is alright even though you’re having your coffee,” Sehun rolls his eyes. “Real good excuse. If we disturbed you in the past while you were having coffee, we would have ended up in the hospital –”

“You make me sound like such a violent superior,” Joonmyun says, chuckling with insincere amusement as someone comes in and overhears Sehun’s statement. The woman bows briefly before tearing it out of there in a hurry.

“Ah ah ah, I didn’t finish,” Sehun wags his finger. He shouldn’t be wagging his finger at someone older than him, but Joonmyun lets it slide. “I meant, we would have ended up in the hospital from deafness and trauma with your shouting at us to bring you good news for once.”

“Don’t you think your cheek has been over the top lately?” Joonmyun says, glaring, and his tone has Sehun skittering out of his chair and answering the elder with a See you later, hyung!





Joonmyun had not been expecting Jongin to tag along with the group for dinner. It’s a bad idea for him to have agreed, but Sehun’s request has him feeling slightly guilty for always avoiding the company’s gatherings. “You’re eating with us today?” Jongin asks, speaking closer to Joonmyun’s ear since the chatter of the others is too loud.

The hairs on the back of Joonmyun’s neck stand on end as he tries to focus on the food in front of him and not so much Jongin’s voice right next to his sensitive spot. There’s a time and place for feelings like this, but a Korean barbecue with coworkers watching is not it. Especially not when Jongin has the upper hand in everything he does.

The topic amongst the group has somehow shifted to dating, and Joonmyun’s trying to drown out the noise with his own chewing. The lettuce here is not fresh at all.

“So Joonmyun,” Siwon points with his chopsticks, clearly drunk off his rockers already. “Do you have a girlfriend?”

Joonmyun stiffens. Everyone’s eyes are on him. He has to speak before the pause gets too long and their interest heightens. “No, I don’t.” He’s afraid to look at Jongin.

“Isn’t that weird? When hyung’s so handsome?” Sehun hiccups, and covers his mouth. Joonmyun narrows his eyes at the younger, but Sehun is paying no attention to him since he’s intoxicated too. Is he even old enough to drink yet? Not that Joonmyun can ever remember how old Sehun is.

“What about you, Jongin?” Siwon burbles, leaning on Kris’s shoulder. “You’re so good looking, don’t women fall all over your feet?”

Joonmyun glances at Jongin, finding that Jongin’s eyes are on him. “I’m not so interested in girls,” he says quietly, but then adds in a much louder voice, “I’m too busy to date much,” after Siwon barks that he can’t hear Jongin from so far away.

There’s an itch inside Joonmyun that he doesn’t think will go away even if he manages to scratch it. He gets up and grabs his cell phone, slipping it into his pocket as he heads for the restrooms. “I’ll be back, maybe,” he mutters to no one in particular.

Jongin watches Joonmyun leave. There is a slump in the way Joonmyun walks, different from when he’s at work and aware of eyes that are on him. This is the Joonmyun Jongin wants to see more of, the puzzle he has to pick apart and put back together again.





Joonmyun splashes cold water on his face in the bathroom. He pats his face dry with a paper towel, and tosses it in the trash can. Before he leaves the restaurant, he glances around the corner at the table, watching the production crew laugh and toast loudly every time they refill their drinks. They’re better off without him.

The heat collecting in his chest should be a good thing with the weather being this cold, but Joonmyun is not most people and the realization that he still wants to kiss Jongin makes his heart burn with dread. “You were wrong, Baekhyun. Time has intensified every emotion I’ve ever felt towards him,” Joonmyun says to himself, stopping on the edge of the sidewalk to watch the lights in the streets glisten brightly. He rubs his hands together to keep warm.

Just a few more blocks before he reaches the red light district. “I should have taken a god damn taxi.”





a. “Jongin-ah,” Joonmyun said, gripping onto Jongin’s hand tightly. Judging by the tone of his voice and how hard he was trying to memorize the texture of Jongin’s skin across his knuckles, Joonmyun was probably going to say something Jongin didn’t want to hear.

“Let’s break up.”

Jongin sort of expected it. He leaned in to kiss Joonmyun. Was this the last time he was going to taste Joonmyun’s lips? Grab onto his hair? Wrap arms around his thin frame?

“That’s enough,” Joonmyun pulled away, tears filling his eyes. No, it’s not enough, nowhere near enough, Jongin wanted to say. Even ten more, a hundred kisses wouldn’t be enough for him to break up with Joonmyun willingly. Jongin wanted to ask so many questions, but there were a lot of things about Joonmyun he didn’t know and he wasn’t sure if Joonmyun would tell him anyways. “Don’t make it harder for me,” Joonmyun said, wretchedly.

Jongin had to know at least one thing. Joonmyun’s tears didn’t make sense when he was the one that was ending their relationship. “Do you love me?” Jongin asked. They had never said the words to each other. Came close, but never the real thing.

He almost wanted to tell Joonmyun to lie to him, in case the truth hurt more. He didn’t, and waited.

“No.”

Joonmyun took Jongin’s heart along with him as he walked away, and Jongin cried because his heart was bleeding its contents out after being split apart, with nothing to help stitch it back up.



b. Joonmyun wished this situation was light enough for him to laugh. Jongin was wearing his dumb shirt with the wolf that he thought made him look hipster. It was Joonmyun’s least favorite article of clothing that Jongin owned, but he wondered why he was thinking about something so trivial when he was already used to Jongin’s spontaneous fashion choices. “Jongin-ah…Let’s break up.”

Jongin didn’t say anything, and Joonmyun knew how much it was hurting from the look on his face. He was glad that Jongin didn’t ask why. At least then he wouldn’t have to explain his reasons, because hearing them would have just made Jongin hate him even more than he did right now.

Jongin had dated girls before Joonmyun. Two or three at the most, but Jongin was definitely not into boys the way Joonmyun was. Dating Jongin had been something that was only ever real in Joonmyun’s dreams, and he confessed on a spur of the moment, a fleeting whim, thinking that Jongin would be disgusted and never come near him again.

It’d taken Joonmyun weeks before the reality of Jongin accepting his feelings finally sunk in. There was something surreal about sustaining an unrequited love for over five years and then having it reciprocated when you least expected it.

From the way Jongin was kissing him, he seemed unwilling to let go of Joonmyun, and that just made it harder for Joonmyun to walk away. “That’s enough.” Jongin’s face is blurred through Joonmyun’s vision as his eyes become filled with tears. There was a question lingering on Jongin’s lips, but he stayed silent, eyes dark and unforgiving.

“Do you love me?”

Would you forgive me if I said yes and still left you? Joonmyun wanted to say. Of course he loved Jongin. Would he be crying this hard over someone he didn’t care about?

“No.”

It was a selfish question because it made Joonmyun want to take back his words and tell Jongin that he loved him more than anything, anyone else on Earth.

Instead, he got up and walked away, praising himself on making the right choice. Without Joonmyun to weigh him down, Jongin would lead a normal life. He wouldn’t be made fun of, he wouldn’t be the target of society’s crushing scrutiny like Joonmyun had been. Jongin would be happier this way.

Joonmyun’s face was dry by the time he got to his house. He had no urge to cry in a place that wasn’t home, where his parents worried over his choices and interrogated him over every curt facial expression he made. Jongin was home, and Joonmyun’s lost him too.





“Here alone?” a man asks, plopping himself down in the seat next to Joonmyun. “What’s your name, handsome?”

He’s one of the brutally straightforward ones, Joonmyun thinks as he hums in response, admiring the man’s bone structure. He wonders cynically if it’s real, but even if it is, he wouldn’t mind having him for a night.

A hand snatches Joonmyun’s alcohol before it has the chance to reach his lips, and he looks up into familiar eyes. “Uh…”

Jongin is furious, though he contains it between a monotone voice and quivering lips. “How much did that drink cost you?”

The bartender pipes up. “6000 won for that one.”

Joonmyun doesn’t have time to get compulsive over how crumpled Jongin’s bills are before he’s being pulled out of his seat and into the cold night air again.

“What the fuck are you doing? Did you follow me?” Joonmyun says, trying to shake off Jongin’s firm grip on his biceps. “Let go!” He’s actually terrified because this is the first time Jongin has handled him so roughly and that probably means he’s really in for it.

“You’re the worst,” Jongin spits at him, and anger flares up inside Joonmyun instantly. His choice of lifestyle isn’t something for Jongin to judge when he knows nothing about Joonmyun, how much he’s suffered to get to this brittle shell of himself today. More anger courses through Joonmyun’s veins when he realizes that he wouldn’t be angry over Jongin’s words if they had no effect on him in the first place.

“You don’t know anything about me,” Joonmyun says, pushing at Jongin’s chest. He loses his balance, and Jongin’s angry expression turns to panic as Joonmyun falls backwards.

Jongin’s hands leave burns on Joonmyun’s waist as Joonmyun scrambles to be the one controlling his own standing ability, managing not to fall this time.

“Are you okay?”

Joonmyun is sheepish, because here they were having an argument and now Jongin’s asking if he’s okay. Of course he isn’t. Jongin has always asked questions with obvious answers.





“So,” Jongin pours water into a glass of water and sets it down in front of Joonmyun. “why don’t we start from the beginning?”

They’ve rented a room for the night at a rather obscure hotel that Joonmyun assures Jongin is perfectly safe. Jongin doesn’t like the fact that Joonmyun seems to know his way around this district because it makes him wonder just how Joonmyun’s been spending his nights, at least the ones he doesn’t overwork himself to exhaustion in.

“I’m leaving after I finish this cup of water,” Joonmyun says, but Jongin pays no heed to his warning.

“Do you go there regularly?”

Joonmyun shrugs. He thinks his body has grown accustomed to wanting to throw up 24/7, now that Jongin is always hanging around him. “I haven’t been there in a while. I usually have people I call up, and uh –“ that’s more information than Jongin probably needs, so he stops.

He realizes that Jongin has the upper hand in this situation, since he’s the one with all the weak points. He does have the authority to fire Jongin from the current project, but that means explaining to everyone else why – and that’s really not the way he wants to go.

Jongin seems to realize this handy little fact around the same time as Joonmyun. “Does anyone know about you?”

If he says yes, Jongin could casually mention it around the company in conversation, and then it’d be the end of him. If he says no, Jongin can proceed to blackmail him, but that would mean keeping at least half of his secrets safe. “No one knows,” Joonmyun admits.

“Then you’ll date me right? So that I don’t go around the company blabbering about things they shouldn’t know. Or if you don’t mind them knowing, you can reject me.” Jongin smiles like the options he’s offering are gold, but Joonmyun wants to choose choice C; strangle Jongin. Then he won’t have to do anything against his will just to make sure no one will ever find out about the old him.

But there’s something in Jongin’s smile that makes Joonmyun tread on what he knows could be very, very deep water. Or quicksand. “Even if I rejected you, you would still keep my sexuality a secret,” he says, as if it’s almost a question.

Bingo! is written across Jongin’s face as he crosses his arms. “Well that ended quickly. You’re right, I wouldn’t be able to do that to you, Joonmyun,” he answers, smiling. He says it with so little effort, so nonchalantly, like nothing is on the line if he gives up the secrets in him.

Joonmyun’s composure breaks, tears, and collapses. “That’s what I hate about you!” he says through gritted teeth.

Jongin is a nice person. He’s honest about everything, from his feelings to what he’s thinking to what he’s planning to do. And Joonmyun hates it, because unlike Jongin, he can’t lay out all his heart for others to see. He’s a coward, and a manic liar who bluffs half his way through life.

Jongin looks confused.

“How can you just…admit that? Now you can’t threaten me anymore. Your honesty irritates me to no end. It sickens me,” Joonmyun says, his hands clenching into fists.

“Lying doesn’t help anyone. It hurts you more than anyone else, even more than the person you’re lying to.” Jongin stretches out his hand to pat Joonmyun’s head. He’s gentle in everything he touches, and if Joonmyun was as honest as Jongin, he’d let himself melt in Jongin’s arms.

He unclenches his hands, adrenaline pulsing through his body.

There is no hiding from Jongin, when he sees through Joonmyun as if he’s made from glass, and pinpoints his qualities where it hurts the most. And what’s worse? He’s not doing it on purpose.

Jongin is not Joonmyun. He does not hurt other people, twist their words, take their weaknesses and use it against them for his own benefit. But Joonmyun does, because life has shaped him into an expert at perceiving people and he uses that skill to his advantage whenever the occasion arises.

Jongin would be ruined if someone like Joonmyun touched him. It would be like what happens when water is contaminated with black, the once clear transparency of the waters swirling with the dark to make a hazy grey.

And for one second, Joonmyun gives himself permission not to care. Let him have one day where he makes bad decisions, decisions that he’ll groan over tomorrow morning. He stands up on tiptoe, arms sneaking in between Jongin’s as he crashes their lips together. Jongin doesn’t move at first, too stunned by Joonmyun’s action to respond, but then his mouth is reacting positively to Joonmyun and his hands move to rest on Joonmyun’s neck like it’s where they’ve always belonged.

Reality comes crashing down on Joonmyun sooner than he would like and causes him to pull away from Jongin, mumbling an apology (it could be directed to Jongin or everyone else, maybe even himself, he’s not sure) that sounds wrong coming out of his mouth. The air is thick around his head as he realizes what he’s done, and the suffocating tension he’s broken and replaced with a heavier one. He feels relief, and regret, and fear clenched into a ball of horror. Jongin looks like he’s been slapped across the face.

Jongin’s existence serves as a reminder that Joonmyun is ugly from the inside out. He has ulterior motives for everything, a personality that’s split in too many ways to count, and an ugly heart that can’t openly love anyone, let alone a woman. To say that he’s a monster compared to Jongin is simply, and easily, an understatement.

But Joonmyun never meant for his feelings to last this long, over a man he barely knows and hasn’t seen in years.

Jongin asks, “Do you love me? Did you ever?”

Joonmyun doesn’t let himself answer.





“Why does the atmosphere around here seem so bad?” Sehun asks, adjusting his beanie as he comes into the room.

Kris whacks him on the shoulder lightly, and makes a face while sliding his hand across his neck, as if his throat’s being slit. “He hasn’t been responding to anything I say, and I’ve been here for an hour already. If we bother him anymore, someone really might end up in the hospital from blown out eardrums.”

Joonmyun is sitting at his usual spot, but his steaming coffee has been left untouched ever since he set it down.

“What happened?”

“It’s funny how you expect me to know,” Kris snorts when he realizes that Sehun’s asking the question to him specifically. “It’d be weirder if anyone knew what was going on.”

Jongin walks in, dressed in his usual attire consisting of a nice shirt and beige pants, but he’s wearing sunglasses just like Joonmyun.

“Good morning,” he says, and his voice cracks.

“Were both of them –” Sehun yelps as Kris jabs him in the ribs. “You know not to jab me there. It hurts!”

Kris makes short head turns that somehow get the message across, because Sehun shuts up and excuses himself to go carry the equipment for when they start filming. Kris also excuses himself because he needs to go up to the office and retrieve extra supplies in case of any filming accidents today.

Jongin sits across from Joonmyun at the table. “I’m sorry about yesterday. I think I gave you a lot of stress for you to shout at me like that.” Truthfully, he’s not sorry, (more like so happy he’s trembling and couldn’t sleep last night) because Joonmyun finally opened up to him, even if it was in the form of distorted insults and angry kisses.

“Don’t mix work with personal matters. It’s working hours now,” Joonmyun says, making a few strokes across the magazine article he’s reading with a highlighter. “Don’t you have a job to do?”

“Just give me ten minutes before my work starts.”

Joonmyun glances up. He sacrifices the business attitude for a second. “You’re going to go as far as tormenting me at work too?”

Jongin smiles. “Just for ten minutes. Did you sleep at all after getting home?”

“Did you?” Joonmyun asks, hoping it’s enough to shut Jongin up.

“I didn’t.” That honesty again. Joonmyun’s stomach flips upside down and then ties itself in a bow. Jongin continues, “Don’t feel burdened when I come near you at work, okay? I’m not ever going to bring up stuff that will hurt you, not at least until after 8 PM. That’s okay right? Since 8 o’clock is when my job ends.”

“This is harassment,” Joonmyun says testily, his eyes almost boring holes into the magazine, he’s staring at it so hard. The words blur into one huge block of text as he loses focus in his vision and Jongin’s laughter rings through his ears.

“Is it?” Jongin asks it in a tone that makes it seem like he’s expecting a genuine answer.

Joonmyun sighs.





The entire company is aflutter with high spirits and good cheer when Kris announces that he’s getting married. The moment he says it, Joonmyun gets a feeling all over his body he wishes he could scrape off of his skin, because Kris has never smiled with this much delight and he doesn’t feel the same.

Jongin approaches from behind to give Joonmyun a small squeeze on the shoulder. Joonmyun tries to ignore the gesture of support, but how can he, with Jongin smiling and talking to him constantly and invading his space until even his thoughts are plagued by the man? The uncontrollable urge to kiss him leaves Joonmyun feeling frustrated all the time, especially since Jongin keeps a close watch on him, even after work hours are over.

“Would you like to go for a drink with me?” Jongin asks over Joonmyun’s shoulder as the producer locks the entrance to the company.

“It’s alright, you can go drink on your own.” Joonmyun does not do alcohol, or any other substance that will affect his ability to control his speech or prevent him from keeping his thoughts under wraps. For business meetings, he occasionally drinks out of politeness, but Jongin is not his superior and he can see the hopeful expression on Jongin’s face that maybe he’ll get Joonmyun drunk enough to “talk about his feelings.”

As if.

“I’ll treat you,” Jongin offers, adjusting to Joonmyun’s speed of walking. His long legs easily keep up while Joonmyun is getting tired of his own pace already.

“No thanks,” Joonmyun waves his hand. “I don’t drink.”

“If you’re going to lie, at least be more convincing,” Jongin says, raising his voice in irritation. “I saw you drinking at that bar.”

Correction; Joonmyun doesn’t drink unless he’s alone or in the company of a complete stranger. Drinking with Jongin, however, means most likely breaking cups and more screaming and Jongin figuring out that Joonmyun has never moved on past their break up, even after immersing himself in making movies and giving his parents false hope about his love life, tricking them into believing he’s not really into boys at all. Suppressing his emotions has been done out of convenience, but Jongin is a ticking time bomb and Joonmyun thinks that Jongin is the only thing that can make his heart explode.

“I’m tired. Let’s talk another day. I’ll talk about whatever you want then.” How many times has Joonmyun said words like these? To potential dates and his parents and everyone else. That he’d meet them a second time, that he was dating a girl but it hadn’t worked out, and so much more. Joonmyun has made a million empty promises in the hopes that they’ll stop asking.

He soon realizes that Jongin isn’t like them, because Jongin never stops asking.

“What makes it so hard for you to open up to other people?” Jongin asks suddenly, and Joonmyun wants to scream at him. He never wants to be looked at the way he was in high school and college again. What he wants is for society to pass by him without a second glance, to look at him and say, Yes, this is just another citizen in our community living a good life that we don’t need to inspect. Acceptance. Normality. These kinds of things. He wants happiness too, but it can be sacrificed as long as the people around him are convinced that he is.

“People. It’s people who make me unable to warm up to them. I don’t want to understand them and they don’t need to understand me,” Joonmyun says, about to break. There’s a light flickering in Jongin’s eyes that looks like he finally gets it, and Joonmyun tells him good night before walking away.

Joonmyun wraps the scarf around his neck tighter. Jongin hasn’t followed him, and he’s thankful that Jongin’s considerate on a minimal level, at least. “A safe distance. No closer.”

As long as he’s alone, as long as Jongin doesn’t press him for information that hurts him just to think about, Joonmyun will be okay. He’ll keep the box inside of him shut and locked, so that nothing, not even the raw feelings towards Jongin he’s most afraid of, can wound him and make him feel so much ever again.





When Joonmyun comes home, he doesn’t bother turning on the lights, too tired to check his emails or watch the news. It’s pretty early considering his normal bedtime, but he washes his face, brushes his teeth, and performs the rest of his night routine before he gets under the covers to sleep. In the darkness, the only sound is the steady tick-tocking of the clock and his own uneven breathing as he lets himself miss the familiar trace of smoke surrounding Jongin and his smiling face.





Kris’s wife is boyish, but pretty all the same. Her name is Amber, and her eyes contain an elfish humor even when she’s not trying to be funny that makes it easy to understand why Kris fell in love with her. “You’re Joonmyun, right? I’m so glad you made time to come today,” she says, holding a wine glass precariously in her hand. Kris is standing next to her, having spoken little compared to his wife, but the smile on his face grows exponentially whenever his eyes land on her. His hand is below hers, ready to catch the glass of wine in case she drops it.

“Yeah, we met a few times in the past at group outings,” Joonmyun says. “Congratulations. I wish you two lots of happiness together.”

“Thank you so much,” Amber grins, and Joonmyun smiles back, then lets it drop off his face when she starts a conversation with Sehun and Siwon.

“The face you make when you’re not talking to anyone is really scary, you know that?” Jongin teases. He looks even better than usual, his face clean shaven and polka dotted bow tie adjusted perfectly straight. Joonmyun is tempted to splash his sparkling apple cider on Jongin’s chest just so he can relieve himself of his sexual frustrations.

“Then don’t look at it,” Joonmyun retorts, turning away.

Jongin is back, this time on the left side of Joonmyun as he says, “But you look nice today, Joonmyun. You’re extremely handsome in a suit.”

It’s hard for Joonmyun to tell whether he wants to strangle Jongin or kiss him. Decisions, decisions. “Thank you, you too,” he replies. Jongin should not be allowed near him when there’s other people around. No, scratch that, Jongin shouldn’t be allowed near him at all, not when he’s dressed like a million bucks and smiling at Joonmyun like he’s the only person in the world. Joonmyun hates that part of Jongin, too, the way he fawns over Joonmyun all the time and takes care of him without his consent. Nothing Joonmyun says seems to be vicious enough to send Jongin running, and with every serious conversation they have, Jongin only stores it away and pretends nothing’s happened the next day. He’ll have something interesting prepared to tell Joonmyun later, either some random tidbit he found off the Internet or a comment about the movie Joonmyun can’t ignore.

Mostly Joonmyun remains reticent towards Jongin, since he’s struggling half the time not to just give in to Jongin’s declarations of love and invitations to spend yet more time together. He also thinks it’s a miracle how Jongin doesn’t get sick of talking to someone who’s so determined not to reply.

Jongin beams, and Joonmyun really, really, really wants to go home so he doesn’t have to look at this radiant, brighter-than-the-sun thing anymore.





“Hey,” Joonmyun hears. He turns around to see Amber waving at him.

“Are you looking for Kris?”

She shakes her head. “Nah, I left him to talk with his buddies.”

“Ah,” Joonmyun nods, “you and him make a really good couple.”

“You know what’s funny?” Amber says, “Everyone’s said that to me today, but you’re one of the few who really meant it. You’re surprisingly honest.”

Joonmyun nearly chokes on his own spit. Him, honest? Out of all people? Amber is even farther from the bull’s eye than Sehun, and that’s driving a point home.

“You and that guy…what’s his name? Jongin. You look good together,” she says.

“W-What?” Joonmyun stutters. It’s not true, but how does she know? “We’re not dating.”

Amber’s looking at him carefully, as if any miswording on her part could make him break. She probably could. “Was I…wrong?”

The fact that someone who barely knows him can guess correctly at something he tries so hard to conceal makes him scared as to what Kris and Sehun think of him. What the people at the company really think of him. What strangers see when he passes by them on the streets.

Joonmyun snaps out of his trance. “Yes. You were; we’re not dating. Jongin’s just a colleague of mine. I-I’m not…” he struggles to finish.

“I’m sorry to have made assumptions about you,” Amber is quick to apologize. “But please don’t think it was my intention to attack and isolate you, I was just wondering since you two looked affectionate with each other. Me and Kris are very open about these things, so if something similar comes up, we’ll always support you. Okay?”

Her eyes show that she’s eager to understand, even if she doesn’t know what she’s diving into. Joonmyun wishes he could have met someone like her earlier in his life. He’d probably be a lot better off now if the people in his school had been as compassionate as Amber.

Joonmyun swallows and looks down. Jongin is walking towards them, and when he’s close enough, he calls out, “Amber, Kris is looking for you!”

“Oh okay. Well, I gotta go. I’ll see you around, Joonmyun!” Amber says, nodding to Jongin before she heads in the direction she needs to go.

“What were you guys talking about so seriously?” Jongin puts his hand on Joonmyun’s shoulder.

“Nothing important,” Joonmyun replies, and shrugs Jongin’s hand off.





Joonmyun takes out a photo of Jongin and him during senior year. This was the time before they started dating, and his arm is thrown over Jongin’s shoulder, making him look out of place since Jongin is the taller one and so Joonmyun has to stand on tiptoe just to reach behind his neck.

He looks through the box some more, hoping to find more photographs with them together, but it’s done in a sort of false hope because he knows he burned almost everything related to Jongin when they broke up. He remembers regretting it only a week after tossing out the sooty ashes, having come back to the box in desperation and finding nothing besides that one photo. As a way to forget what was missing, he’d shoved a whole bunch of miscellaneous things in there: some of his favorite books, prized essays, and music albums he collected over the years.

Folding the cardboard flaps back in the right order, Joonmyun slides the box back into his shelf, and then puts the books that are supposed to be in front of it back into place. One day he’ll stop wavering and throw it out for real.





Kyungsoo corners Joonmyun in the middle of their break with a deadly look in his eyes that makes Joonmyun want to crawl in a hole and stay there. For good. He keeps a nonchalant face for good measure, though.

It’s a Tuesday so Jongin isn’t here, and later Joonmyun reasons that it’s exactly because of this Kyungsoo chose today to approach him (or more accurately, corner him in his office after locking the door and glaring at him murderously).

“Can I, uh, help you?” Joonmyun asks, hands pausing on his keyboard. He stands up once Kyungsoo comes closer, and closes his laptop.

“It’s about Jongin, and it’s going to take more than one sentence. You okay with that?” Kyungsoo snaps.

Fuck.

“Why don’t we sit down over there then,” Joonmyun suggests, and points to the couch in front of his working desk.

He brews some tea for Kyungsoo, but both of them know Kyungsoo isn’t going to drink it. Joonmyun’s face whitens considerably when he tries to put it down on the table because he’s shaking so badly that it hits the surface with a jittering clink.

From what he can see at work, Kyungsoo is just as honest as Jongin, only in a brutal and merciless way that Jongin can’t come close to executing. By now it’s clear that Kyungsoo knows a lot more than he lets on, and he’s decided to confront Joonmyun about it once and for all.

Joonmyun is afraid, very afraid. He keeps his hands placed on top of his knees so they don’t shake as much.

“I’m going to get to the point so I don’t waste your time,” Kyungsoo starts off. “I don’t really understand why Jongin has such a huge attachment to you after all the shit you’ve put him through, but you’re the only thing that could make him happy and I’d like you to realize that.

Jongin went through a lot after you left him. He started smoking and drinking, and even ended up in the hospital a couple of times. The doctors said if he kept this behavior up, he was going to die at the age of thirty-five. He’s twenty six, Joonmyun-ssi, but you already know that. The drinking until he collapses has stopped, but he still smokes frequently, and he only recently stopped visiting his therapist. He’d been going through sessions for years.”

Joonmyun is stunned, but he forces himself not to let it show and his gasp dies on his tongue.

“Right, I know. You don’t need to feel too guilty because you were actually only about seventy percent to blame.” Kyungsoo is good at reading people well too, it seems. And his sarcasm is more lethal than humorous. “He was having family issues, and losing the one supporting pillar in his life made him topple over. As a friend, it was hard for me to watch.

It’s hard to tell, right? Jongin’s personality is one of those where he smiles more to cover up his emotions. You could say his smiles are proportional to his sadness at times. He’s sensitive, probably even more than you, even if he doesn’t show it. He seems like he’s okay all the time, but sometimes he breaks. You’ve never seen him break before, have you?”

Joonmyun hasn’t. Jongin has always been indestructible, or rather, put up a front pretending he was.

“I’m not asking you to take responsibility for him, or date him out of pity. Just don’t drag things out. Explain to him your reasons for breaking up and let him see that you weren’t a heartless bastard that toyed with him, cause I doubt you were one at the age of eighteen. And if you love him, tell him. If you don’t, tell him too. Be honest. I’m tired of watching him ruin his own health because he can’t move on from someone like you. That’s all I wanted to say,” Kyungsoo says, and stands up to go.

Joonmyun can feel the bile on the back of his throat. “Did you think telling me this would change anything?”

Kyungsoo narrows his eyes. “What are you –”

“Do you think that it was easy for me? I wanted to die too. I wanted to kill myself because people looked at me differently. They looked at me like I was a monster, or something even worse than garbage in the sewers.” Joonmyun is sputtering out more than he should, because Kyungsoo is merely here to help out his friend and not to listen to Joonmyun’s side of the story, but the words are tumbling out of his mouth as though he’s throwing up what he hasn’t been able to admit all these years. “I lost my friends, my family, and I lost me. I can’t talk to anyone about anything because no one understands. Telling the truth never made anything better and only brought more problems for me. How can you just come in here and expect me to be honest when I’ve had to force myself my whole life not to?!”

Kyungsoo’s expression doesn’t change. “Then why don’t you start with Jongin?”

The door closes softly with a click, and Joonmyun buries his face in his hands.







read part II